It’s been a little over a week since my world was turned upside down. Over the last week and a half, my youngest made a very dramatic cry for help (cutting/possible suicide attempt) and my wife shortly thereafter made it known that she wanted a divorce. Aside from the other stuff I deal with on a daily basis (work, school, hobbies, etc.), the last two weeks have utterly shattered my heart, crushed my soul and set my world ablaze. I feel defeated.
I was completely unprepared when the wife dropped her bomb on me. It literally felt like I had been slammed in the chest by a 10lb sledgehammer swung by the strongest man in the world. I seriously would have been less surprised or shocked to have been told I was the sole winner of the Powerball. My heart shattered and my mind was clawing at trying to find something to grab onto to help steady itself and make sense of what just happened. To say that stuff came out of the woodwork during that conversation would be the understatement of the century. 27 years of marriage was being picked apart systemically by my wife, targeting and finding every reason to justify her conclusion. She reached back to her childhood memories and attributed some of those things that left lifelong impressions onto the way she viewed my mannerisms. NONE of it was good. While I was trying to comprehend the scope of what she was saying, the onslaught continued. I had no defense, I couldn’t put up a shield to defend myself for a few reasons… Her chipping away was fast and targeted, my mind was racing to comprehend and analyze what she had just said, but by the time I could process it, she had already moved onto something else. Issues between us from years ago cropped up to the surface, although we had both changed for the better, none of that seemed to matter now. Recent problems that both of us have struggled with over the last couple of years came up. Physically, emotionally and mentally being present, on both her and my parts were brought up. I pointed out that over our 27 years, lots of things have happened, and through EVERYTHING, we’ve always managed to work through it AS A TEAM and emerged victorious and better than before. There was literally NOTHING we could not over come together. We were a FORCE TO BE RECKONED with… a true POWER COUPLE. We’ve both changed over ALL of the years, for the better and FOR EACH OTHER. Anyone who knew me 5, 10, 15 20+ years or more ago, wouldn’t recognize me today. I’ve prided myself on my ability to adapt and change to the needs of my family and wife. And right now, at this moment, all of it is for naught. Those words and actions fell on deaf ears. I was defeated. There was nothing I could do and I realized it. I stopped trying to fight back to keep my soul mate. I’ve always been vulnerable to her and this time was no different. My last words to her before the end of the night was that we needed to think about how this would affect our son. With the events of the previous week, it would be easy for him to make the leap in his own head that this was somehow his fault, even though he had absolutely nothing to do with this. Please bear in mind that this was not some kind of last ditch effort in trying to change her mind. I use a lot of critical thinking in my daily life and it’s just natural to come to that conclusion. I.E. Previously, mostly everything with son was fine. Then the cutting and hospital trip. Then, a few days later, parents want a divorce. Coincidence? No, it won’t be to him and that would come to fruition in the next couple of days.
I went for a drive. I needed to try and clear my head. It didn’t help. There were more questions than answers. I’m tired. I need sleep…
Feeling, as if defeated by life.Rehana Rafiq